To be a man
I used to believe I knew what that was. But now I find myself troubled with childish things. Foolish questions that need not be answered. Truth be told, they're none of my business anyway. I lost perspective. I let my anger get to me. The pain of being without pushed hard enough, and the wall came down. At least, for a few moments. I couldn't see anything but the pain, and it's not too distant cousin, anger.

It's been 4 days since the breakup, and I am doing as I said I would. Keep breathing, keep moving. Work on projects long overdue. Apply for more jobs, even though one waits for me this Saturday. Live in the moment. Take each day a step at a time. Wait. Patience is the key, and it's a virtue I've had quite a few lessons in.

Pity you don't always remember those lessons. My mind lept forward, demanding to know the answer to two simple questions. At least, someone else's version. Not my business. If he's got an answer to those two, then he's learned a thing or two. Always a good thing, knowing respect and character. But, in the questioning of someone else's, you must make sure not to sacrifice your own. I was told once, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I know of no such person on this world, walking it. Faith or no, sin is with us. It's just a fact. Welcome to Earth, third rock from the sun.

Okay, enough with the poetic nonsense. The reason I'm writing... to get past the pain. To get past the anger. It's amazing how therapeutic this damn thing is. The more I type, the less I feel. Guess I'll keep typing. Thanks for the therapy, Cheryl. It's working wonders. :-)

I got angry today. I got angry, specifically, with the memory of it all. This actually goes further back, long before the situation that drove me to start this journal even came to be. It happened a long time ago, with a piss poor decision made. Without direction or motivation, needing guidance and knowing I would not find peace here, I enlisted into the Armed Services. I planned to follow in the footsteps of my family; believing that I, like they, can acheive greatness through service. How foolish was I. It was not my world, at least not one I would remain happy with for long. I served, proudly at first. In the end, I left to pursue the civilian life, still needing some sense of direction.

That too, lasted only so long. I would spend the months following my time in working at a bowling alley first, then the Staples Corporate Center in Framingham next. I went from living with a friend's family to living with a family of friends. Little did I realize, you really should know thy neighbor before you shack up with them. So, I eventually moved out of that.

Broken and battered, I came to live with the best friend I shall have in this life. Ralph Cook Jr, and his wife Diane, took me in. Through their help, I was able to recover much of my lost sense of self. But it was a long and lonely road. I had a girlfriend, near the end. Amy. Someone that cared for me, but I couldn't communicate with. We had a relationship. It ended the day I left Massachusetts to come home.

Now, we skip ahead a few years, and come to this point. I was comended for my understanding by Cheryl. She's in a terrible, terrible place. I know, because I've been there. When I was there, I made the wrong decision. I used to think that. I don't anymore. Had I not walked the road I did, I never would have known the feel of her in my arms, nor felt the love she feels for me. I would have gone through life thinking I knew what happiness was, without ever really experiencing it.

I'm tired of writing how empty it feels. I'm through with that. I hope she comes to me, in the end. How can I not? These days have been a mixture of hope and darkness. With every moment we spend together, I feel we're coming back to each other. But every day is new, and scary. These first few days are going to be that way. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the next month was this way. I wish it was over. Behind the man that stands before her and assures her everything's going to be fine, is someone who wants to believe that himself.

She gives me hope, she tells me she loves me. Is she trying to say she just needs time? I want to think so. I'm beyond impressed with Cheryl. Everyday, she amazes me even more. She knew someday, she would have to choose between Jared or me. She knows she has to do this alone. She admitts to herself, and others, of the difficulty of what lies ahead. And through it all, she presses forward, hoping to get through the darkness. My love for her grows, even in my weak moments of doubt.

I want to write more, but I'm exhausted. My mind hurts so much from what could happen. A portion of me wants it to end. Truth is, I know she does too. I don't know what to say anymore. And, I honestly find no comfort in this.